|One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It’s certainly not a ship".
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long
"And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " ‘Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " ‘Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!
Starting the Mr. & Mrs. Discovery Bay Tournament, a player drove straight down the 1st fairway. Taking over, his wife sliced the ball 100 yards into the rough. The husband gritted his teeth and made a magnificent recovery right onto the green. The wife blasted her putt past the pin into a deep trap. Delicately, the man lifted the ball back to the green, where it rolled into the cup.
He turned to his wife. “We’ll have to do a bit better than that from now on, dear. The hole was a bogey five.”
“Don’t give me a hard time,” she snapped, “only two of those strokes were mine.”
First a joke (courtesy of Diane Sevim):
A foursome of guys is waiting at the tee while a foursome of women are teeing off. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely, then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those f__king lessons I took over the winter didn’t help much.”
One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”
He never even had a chance to duck…..
Happy Golfing… Frani
I know you’ve all had sleeples nights wondering, "Will Kay love have a new golfing partner named Eddy?"
Or "Will she persuade him to come to Discovery Bay and give us all insights into our golf games?
Your nights will be worry free after you read the final chapter of Kay’s story. Here it is. Enjoy.
We are back in the Fairway room listening to Kay Loves’ story from Myrtle Beach. This is the last chapter…….her golf guru speaks his final words of wisdom.
HOW KAY LOVE SAW THE LIGHT (or met her golf guru)…PART III
“So, Kay Love did you let him buy you another drink?” I asked. “Well for sure I did.” she replied, “He’d given my ego a beating so I deserved something in return. Mind you everything he said was right. Actually, I thought he’d finished his “Insights into Kay’s game” but I was wrong.”
“So Missus, I’ve gotta be getting back home soon, didn’t realize it was gone 5 already, can’t be late for dinner now can I? You got the stamina for one more thing I wanna share with you?”
“Sure.” I replied, “Go for it Eddy, I can take anything now, what more can there be?”
“When I met you earlier today you told me that you had been looking forward to playing this wonderful course of ours and you were so disappointed in your game today. You came all this way and you quit after only nine holes, what was that about?
“I was hoping to shoot in the low 40s on the front.” I sighed, “I’ve played courses with a similar slope and a 48 was not what I was shooting for? As I told you my whole game was a disaster. I understand now that my game wasn’t helped by me letting my adrenaline control my desire for the perfect shot. Obsessing about a perfect swing didn’t help me today either. I shouldn’t have been thinking about my Pro and my shoulder dip.”
“I understand Missus. A 48 eh, how did you do on the first hole with those bunkers guarding the green?
“I got in the bunker with a terrible shot with my three wood.” I shuddered at the thought of it.
“But how did you get out, that’s a deep bunker?” Eddy asked.
“Sure is deep, got out in one and made the putt.” I answered.
“That was a good up and down Missus. How ‘bout the third hole with that ribbon of a green alongside the lake?”
“Terrible.” I winced at the memory. “My 5 wood to the green landed right into the deep rough at the back.”
“Hmm a five wood?” Eddy said, “You musta had a great drive to get you to within a 5 wood distance from the green?
I thought for a moment and said, “I suppose so, I was driving the ball well today.
“Think hard,” he said, “how many good drives did you have?”
I struggled to remember as all I could think of was the bad shots. I finally realized. “Seven.” I said.
“Seven wow, well that’s every hole you needed a driver on you came through, right?”
“Right, Eddy I didn’t think of it that way.”
He continued his quizzing “Any other great sand saves like on hole number one you can remember?
“Oh yes,” I answered quickly, “that deep bunker on 4 I got out of easily and the one on 7 was a breeze too”.
Eddy wasn’t done yet, “Think about your putting, how many three putts you have?
That was simple for me to answer. “None.”
“So for a player who was having a disastrous round your drives were good, you had miraculous sand saves and no three putts . Where was this disaster you’re talking about?” Eddy asked.
“My score, I told you, a 48 for 9 holes. It was not what I wanted.”
"I want you to think like this from now on, your best game isn’t necessarily the one with the lowest score. Your best game is when you do exactly what you want to do a lot of the time. Don’t focus on your numbers, focus on your performance. When I play my aim is to plan the type of shot I want to make, and then make it happen. Plan, then execute. If you can make many of the shots just as you planned you’re having a good round. Look at your numbers in a different way. You’ll often be surprised that a bad “by the numbers” game wasn’t that bad after all.”
Then he got up from the table, drank the last of his beer and said, “Gotta go now my dinner’s waiting. Good meeting you Missus, happy golfing!”
“Hilary, in an instant he was gone, and I never got the chance to thank him for his great insights into my game. The next day I asked at the Pro shop if they knew where Eddy was and no one remembers seeing him, weird eh?” said Kay Love, “Maybe I’ll get to meet him again one day?
So Ladies that’s the story of how “Kay Love Saw the Light (or met her golf guru)” but if you happen to ask Kay Love about Eddy and his guru abilities I have a feeling she may not remember seeing him either!
As play day is cancelled again I thought you all might have time to read the next episode of Kay Love’s story. Enjoy.
Hi Ladies here we are back in the Fairway room. Eddy had just finished explaining to Kay how to control her adrenaline addiction so she was really ready for another drink! .
HOW KAY LOVE SAW THE LIGHT(or met her golf guru)…….PART II
“That’s a great story Kay Love, is that it? What happened next?’ I asked. “Next, next? Let me think Hilary…….
Oh yes Eddy got me another glass of the Pinot Noir which I really needed. We relaxed a while neither of us saying anything. I was trying to get that Zen stuff into my brain. I was about to thank him and leave when he stopped me by saying, “So you get the Zen stuff eh but you know you have more problems than that Missus, don’t you?” I was pretty offended.
How did this scraggly guy know what problems I had? How presumptuous of him. “Okay Eddy tell me what you’re getting at, I’d be surprised if you know me that well.” I was sure he’d back off, but he was a persistent little guy.
He started on his third beer and continued. “So Lady how many golf Pros you been to? What’s the latest fix for your swing?” Funny he mentioned that I thought as I had just paid for a series of 6 lessons with the new Pro in San Ramon. I eagerly replied, “My new golf Pro is getting me to work on my right shoulder dip. He said my turn is all wrong and I have to change it if I want to play better golf.”
“You’re chasing that perfect swing” exclaimed Eddy with a wry grin. “I knew it. Don’t feel too bad lady, didn’t mean to offend you. Please, before you get up to leave, let me explain what I meant.”
Offend me? Yes, I was really upset. How dare he attack me that way but I decided to hear him out.
“Not all golf teaching Pros are equal. You need to find a teacher who takes the time to understand YOUR swing and then helps you fine tune it. If you are already playing fairly decent golf and a teacher tells you to tear down your swing and start over, then FIND ANOTHER TEACHER! It doesn’t mean your swing stinks, it just means it’s not HIS swing and he doesn’t know how to teach a different one.”
“I know what you mean.” I replied. “My game always gets worse after lessons and the Pros always say it’s because I am changing my swing and it will get better. Sometimes it does, but often I think it only does because I go back to my old swing.”
“Now you’re not offended eh? Eddy asked. I felt bad as he looked so concerned that he’d upset me. “I’m fine you just hit a nerve. I am always trying to fix my swing with books, magazines, lessons and all. Please go on and tell me more.”
With a relieved look on his face Eddy took a large gulp of his beer and continued.
“If you have a swing flaw a good teacher can find a way to work around this tendency and not revamp your swing. A golfer may drop his right shoulder too much and a Pro wanting to change it could really mess them up. Maybe dropping that shoulder was okay for the way that player swings. I saw a player whose swing plane was off but he was very comfortable swinging that way. I suggested he just slow down his hands at impact and it straightened out his fade. All swings are different and yours might be the one that is right for you. As they say, there’s more than one way to skin a cat.”
“I never thought of it that way Eddy. Every time I have a swing problem I find a Pro to help me fix it and they change it. I must have changed my swing seven times in the past two years.”
“Forget all of that Missus. When you think of trying a new Pro don’t expect that the Golf God’s been keeping a secret and he now chooses this guy to reveal it to you. From what I saw of your swing dropping your shoulder isn’t a big flaw. Maybe that’s how you get back to impact so well. For sure you don’t need a swing change. Find a teacher who will understand your swing and fine tune it. I think you’ve just been looking for your swing (love) in all the wrong places.”
“Like the song eh Eddy?” I laughed in reply.
“All I’m sayin’ Missus is the next time you hear you need a swing change, run for the hills.”
Eddy got up from the table and said, “Want another drink?………………………………..to be continued
First a joke: What To Do
Sondee addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted.
The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped! Sondee and her partner, Hilary, ran up to the stricken victim who lay unconscious with the ball between his feet.
“Good heavens!” exclaimed Sondee, “what shall I do?”
“Don’t move him.” said Hilary, “If we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or take a two club length drop.”
Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven.
Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: “Don’t step on the ducks.”
The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, “The ducks?”
“Yes,” St. Peter Said. “There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they’re all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you’ll be punished.”
The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking.
St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, “Who stepped on a duck?”
“I did,” admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” he said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man’s face, and he cuffed him to the woman. “I told you not to step on the ducks,” St. Peter said. “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, “What have I done to deserve this?”
The woman replied: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
From all the stories I’ve written I am sure you know by now that Kay “Love to Buy New Clubs” Smith is my hero(ine). She always appears on the course where she’s needed. Remember how she helped Jeanne “Zoom Zoom” Zwemer let off steam and relax inside that bubble? She showed “Emily Everyone” how to count to ten rather than slamming her 7 iron into the ground, and how can we forget the Red /Blue boxes method for focus? But Ladies I ask you, who helps Kay Love??
She called me recently and asked me to meet her in the Fairway room for lunch. I had no idea why, but when I got there she said. “Order lunch fast Hilary, I have a strange story to tell you.” I love stories, as you know, so I ordered my chicken fajita rollup in record time and then she began………..
Ladies here is the first part of her story.
HOW KAY LOVE SAW THE LIGHT(or met her golf guru)PART I
……Well Hilary (with just one L) I was in Myrtle Beach last week on the most wonderful golf course I’ve seen, but I was having my worst game ever. I was getting more and more disappointed in myself and was ready to quit when this scraggly old guy came walking across the 9th fairway and said, “Hey lady, wanna partner for the back nine, I’m up for a game?” “Sorry Mister,” I replied, “my game is in the tank right now and all I’m looking for is a stiff drink in the bar.” “Good idea.” he said, “Mind if I join you?” This guy was like a flea on a dog, hard to shake, so that’s how I found myself at a sticky, beer covered table in South Carolina bar downing my first glass of Pinot Noir. My customary Arnold Palmer wouldn’t do it for me after the round I’d just had. Little did I know then that I’d found mygolf guru.
As we clinked our glasses together in a perfunctory “Cheers” he introduced himself and said “Good to meet you Missus, my name’s Eddy. What’s the problem today that made you wanna quit. It must be serious business?” “Serious business?” I replied “It is. I was so excited to play this course and hoping for great things, but every hole was a disaster. It was similar to times when I’m in tournament play at home. I know I can beat my opponent but then I choke and lose the hole. I hope for so much and then it’s all a huge disappointment.”
“That’s very simple to understand,” said Eddy, “It’s ‘cause of drugs.”
“Drugs? Did you say drugs?” I was astounded that he could think such a thing so I told him. “I don’t have any drugs in my body, you’d better apologize Eddy.”
“Can’t do that lady because I can tell you’re hooked on the body’s strongest drug…..adrenaline. Adrenaline is the most dangerous substance in golf. It’s good for marathoners who have to dig down to make that final burst of strength to the finish line, or in the last quarter of a football game to chase down a running back that’s sprinting to the end zone, but for golfers it’s the kiss of death. In golf you have to do the exact opposite and keep adrenaline at bay. To have the greatest round of your life like you wanted today, or to win a hole in a match, you have to put success and winning out of your mind. Don’t think “If hit this well I win, if I mess up I lose”. Only think of how you hit the shot. You know for sure you’re getting your mind right if after you’ve hit a shot,” he paused, “……..it takes a few seconds to realize how well you hit it.”
“I hear you Eddy, and I know that’s what I do, but isn’t that what the golf Pros do in tournaments. Don’t they rise to the occasion, playing beyond their abilities when the big one is on the line? Don’t you hit it better knowing what’s at stake?
“Sports experts everywhere tell you to bear down, go for the prize, and get tough but that’s how that pesky drug adrenaline takes over your mind and body.” Eddy leaned over the table and whispered. “I’m gonna tell you a secret. What the Pros are really doing when a match in on the line, or they have to make a putt to win, is concentrating even harder to kick that fact right out of their mind. Hoping this shot makes it to the green is a lot different than hoping you don’t screw up.”
“Sounds pretty believable Eddy but how do I kick this drug habit you say I have?” I asked. “No Missus you’re not a druggie,” he chuckled, “but you gotta get your emotions under control. The only plan that works is having the same feeling inside you every time you hit a shot.” As he banged his fist loudly on the table he said, “You always have to feel that this is the shot that counts!” No ups or downs, just level play. You practice your swing all the time on the range right? I nodded. “Well practice having that feeling inside you then too. Every shot is the shot, no more, no less”
“Hilary that was really serious stuff he laid on me, and I knew he was right. I got it. It doesn’t do any good to stand over the ball thinking of how the weight of your team is on your shoulders, or this is the shot to post your lowest score ever. Pumped up with adrenaline should not be my drug of choice. Not to get too mystical on you Hilary but it’s somewhat Zen –like.
“To win, you have to put winning out of your mind, to have your best round ever play each shot with the same “level”ness of intensity.”
I was blown away by what she told me, and wanted to hear more…………to be continued
Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it!”, he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad…once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good”, sighs Arthur. “Your brother is a hundred and three. He can’t help.”
“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law and says, “did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did”, says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asked Arthur.
“I can’t remember.”